Define Me.

When you look at me, what do you see? A short girl? A quiet girl? an outgoing girl? a sweet girl?
...a slut?

Maybe that last one lit a lightbulb, did it not?
Define me as a slut.
That is what I've been since freshman year. No one has ever talked to me about my reputation. They choose to believe what others say and think.
Can no one think for him/her self?
I don't go around judging people, it hurts me that everyone judges me.

Iris is easy. Iris is clingy. Iris has sex with everyone. Iris makes out with everyone. Iris hooks up with everyone. Iris doesn't care about her reputation. Iris this, and Iris that.
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Look at yourself before you judge me.
Yes, I have made mistakes in my life...But will the people in my future choose to define me by those mistakes?

This is what everyone will see my as.
A slut.

Will everything that happened to me in my past define me?
Does me being molested have anything to do with this.
Does me being molested make me "easy."
Does this make you feel better? You dick. You asshole. You dirty son of a bitch.
Does it make you feel powerful? Do you feel like a big man?
Because you said shit about Iris.
Because Iris liked you. Because Iris thought "No, he's my friend. He would never hurt my feelings."
BULLSHIT.

Do you feel happy?
I was once a victim, and feel I will always continue to be.

I don't care anymore.
I will say this online.
I will tell the whole world if I have to.
Maybe they'll judge me some more.
Go on.
Tell everyone.
Point your fingers and chit-chat with all your friends.
I was molested.
Does that make me dirty?
I was touched as a child.
Does that make me easy?
I was fucked over by someone I loved and trusted.
Am I a naive person?

When will I find a friend who will not judge me.
Who will not call me a SLUT or a WHORE.
Even if they joke around.
Stop it.

Grow up. Let me live my life, and worry about yours.
If I'm such a bad person, I'll pay for it later in life.
Just stay out of my business.

What Can I say.

Why is it that you and I always argue??.
Why can't we seem to get along...
It's like a never-ending story of "you did that" and "you did this."
I hate pointing fingers at each other.
Why don't we both stand in front of the mirror and realize we are both guilty of this indecent behavior??.
Why is it so hard for you to love me??.
You say you do, but inside I know you have your doubts.

Why can't you just accept me??.
Be proud of who I am and where I'm at right now.
I go to school, I'm a full time student. I go to work, and pay taxes.
I go to choir, and attend mass. I do all my homework, and keep decent grades.
I hardly ever go out, or come home late. I never ask you for money, only when necessary. I don't do anything for you to distrust me, and yet you do. I don't do drugs, and haven't gotten pregnant.
So why is it so difficult to believe me when I say "I'm going out with friends" ??.
Why do you insist on calling me every ten minutes and demanding me to come home.
I'm out with friends, enjoying myself. Leave me alone??.
Just for that afternoon.
Let me be the teenager I've always longed to be.
Let me explore and make mistakes so that I can learn from them.
You insist on protecting me, but now it's more than that. You try to control me instead of guide me.
And if you haven't realized already, I'm not going to let you do that.
I am my own person. I will make my own mistakes.
I know you made mistakes when you were younger, but that's it. It was when you were younger. And now you've grown into a successful woman.
Let me do the same??.
Let me live my life. Let me pay the bills late, let me crash my car, let me get a tattoo, let me get piercings, let me have boyfriends, let me get engaged, let me get fired, let me cry, let me scream, let me be heartbroken and depressed, let me suffer...
All in all, let me live my life.
All those things are necessary for me to grow up.
I know you're worried, but stop worrying so much. You've raised me right.
And I thank you.
But if you continue to smother me, I don't know how our relationship will continue on.

I'm asking you, practically begging you...
Just let me be ME.
I will respect your opinions, but in the end that's all they will be... opinions.
I am an adult, and although you refuse to believe so, that is the truth.
So relax, breathe, and rest easy at night.
Know that I'm not as stupid as I appear. I do have a brain, and I do use it.
I'm not the most mature, but I'm somewhat up there.
Trust me.

Let us start a-new.

Its been a month((:
singlee lifee wasn't as amazing as I thought it would be.
There was not much to be done... Kidding!!.
Some shit was done... but that's personal *wink wink*

It's hard for me to be in a relationship.
I feel like I will always ruin things...
But I still try...

And now I'm trying again.
...With David.
I was so scared.
Scared to want someone again, to be happy again, to open up again, to go through all of that again.
I did that with Adrian. I opened up...which I never do... because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
And that's exactly what happened in the end.
I was the one to get fucked over...

But David is different.
Not only can I be myself and say all the shit I want to say... but so can he.
He's gay...kidding.
But he sure acts like it.
He's noice, loud, funny, open-minded, and so much more.
Is it too early?... To start talking about him I mean.
Or is it okay to be happy again??.

I sure hope it is.
Because I'm trying.
Bear with me people... bear with me David...

Let's give this a try... Step by Step.

Should what he hears or says matter??.

I sent him a text saying "Ketchup."
He replies saying "Who's this?" He later says he's someone else, named Kevin.
"Kevin" asks, "Would you like me tell Luis something for you?"
I say, "No, thanks. It's cool" ... Okay Bye.

Later, I say..
"Hey Kevin, right??. Uhm, now that youu mention it, yes I wouuld like youu to tell him somethingg. Uhh, say that an old friend just wants to makee sure he's still alive :D Lol, imm sure he'll know what "youu" mean."

Luis: "Dude why do u keep texting me like i dont want to kno anything about u just leave me alone"

Iris: "Lmao; why are youu taking thingss to the extreme??. If we're both over it, whyy should it matter."

Luis: "I dont wanna talk to a slut thats why"

Iris: "Now imm a slut??. Lmao. Why's that??."

Luis: "Just leave me alone and look at ur reputation"

Iris: "What reputation. I don't do shit with anyone. But I guess you're too immature to understand anything, right?."

Luis: "Yea i guess ur right so why did u text me then"

Iris: "Because I still think youure a cool guy, besides all the shit people say. I choose not to believe it, but that's more than I can say for you."

Luis: "I say u believe ur mature friends and not talk to an immature kid so bye""

Iris: "What mature friends? Luis, don't be stubborn..."

Luis: "Dude dont u get it?...I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU!...can i be any clearer than that?"

Iris: "Nope. Because I"m trying to fix it. I don't want us to hate eachother dude like honestly..?"

Luis: "Fix what?...Dont u get it, we were never friends"

Iris: "Lmao. Its funny how you're acting."

Luis: "U know wat fuck u, and ur stupid ass humor bye! And just leave me alone omg why is that so hard to understand"

Iris: Lmao; alright then((: bye"

Can you say, WHAT THE FUCK??.
I don't understand boyss. He's making it seem like I cheated on him or something.
But oh well, lifee moves on :D

Just felt like putting this up so people can see that type of guy he really iss.
His friends tell me that he tried hooking up with people while he and I were together. It makess me feel really stupid that I fell for all his SHIT and all his stupid ass LIES. That's all he does... Everything I thought he wasn't doing, turned out to be everything he was doing. I won't be surprised if one day I find out he cheated on mee.

Why is lifee so full of surprises?
Itss a good thing lifee is just beginning, if not.. This would totally suck :D

When Things Get Complicated...

Sometimes it's nice just to fall in love with love, is it not? Sometimes it's nice just to cherish those few moments of happiness because that's all you have at the moment. And although those moments might end, others will definitely come.

A year ago, February 22nd to be more exact, I began talking to this boy. I had seen him before at work, but had never really started a meaningful conversation. His name is Luis Adrian Ordonez. He and I began a friendship that made me change, a lot. I began to express myself with him more than I had ever done with any other boy; or friend for that matter. He made me realize that it's okay to be weird at times.

Adrian became my friend, and later my boyfriend. Our friendship is something I'll always remember. He made me laugh so much! He was the first person I wanted to talk to when I got home from school everyday; he always listened to me and made my day a little brighter. He practically became my best friend. But Adrian didn't just want to be my friend. Adrian wanted to be my boyfriend. It was weird for me; he was so different and I never thought he actually wanted to be with me. We began kissing in public, hugging, cuddling, and kissing. I began to fall. But I was afraid; sometimes I fall too hard, and sometimes I don't fall enough. I felt like I didn't like him as much as he did. But I was willing to try because he was a wonderful person. He asked me out about three times, but I always said "No." Until the 28th of June...

The first time I met Adrian, I was working. So I thought it would be a good idea to take him to the place where it all began. He would go to Dino's and get vanilla shakes. So on that day, I made him a vanilla milkshake. And on the cup I wrote, "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" When I gave him the cup, without even finishing to read the sentence, he immediately said yes. I felt good. I felt like, "Okay, he's my best friend and now my boyfriend. What could go wrong? He'll always be there through thick and thin. And I, likewise.

On August 18th, the words "I love you" became known.
I wasn't really sure if I "loved" him, but I knew that I cared about him more than any other boy.

Months passed...
We laughed, cried, yelled, cuddled, argued, wrestled, grubbed, drove, danced, slept, and practically did everything together. And yes, things got complicated. But when don't they? Life is full of surprises and complications. But it always depends on how the person adapts to them. I never gave up on him, even when things got bad. I knew that things would get worse before they got better. It's like school. You work and work and work. Trying your best to succeed. And you might get that "C" but you will never be satisfied like that because you know you can always get that "A." So what do you do? You work for it. You struggle through all the complications, through all the restless nights, through all the crying and hard work; and in the end, it'll all be worth it, right?

Winter break came along...
It was hard for us to see one another, but we tried as best we could. We fought to make this work. And on our anniversary, we were able to see each other. Six months; six months of joy and happiness. Were we perfect? Of course not. But we never gave up. Or at least that's what I thought. On the night of New Year, things changed. That whole week had felt different. It felt empty. And out of curiosity I asked, "Do you still like me?" The next few words made my heart stop. "I don't know."
How can someone who claimed to love you, who claimed to want a future with you, who claimed to want to be with you forever not know if they like you? How can feelings like that shatter from one day to another? How can something that looked so true end up being a lie. Adrian did not love me; he said. He just thought he did. The only reason he told me that he did was because he knew I was waiting for it. That was cold. You don't say to someone, "I like you" and not mean it. It's lying. It's like he lied to me all those months. And while I thought he was "falling", I fell harder and harder each day.

I cried. I cried my little heart out. I screamed, I stomped, I threw shit around, and lay there empty minded. I didn't know what to do next. I was lost. I had never felt so much emptiness before. But, I am the type of person that when I want to get over things... I talk to that person as if nothing happened. So I sent him a text message the next day, acting as if nothing had happened. Little did I know, this was killing him inside. Adrian regretted doing what he did. I hoped for this to happen, but I didn't want to be a stupid girl and take him back as if everything were okay. So I told him to wait; give me a few days, I said. That was Saturday. On Monday, I saw him. We talked and cried. Adrian begged for me back, and that made me feel as if he really did want me. He told me he would never beg anyone, but he begged me. Why? Why was I any different? I still can't answer that question; not even now.

We got back together. And everything seemed great. I was happy, and I thought he was happy too.

Rumors spread like peanut butter on toast.
His friends said he was cheating. And I knew inside myself that he would never do such a thing. But jealousy got the best of me that day. And when I called him, and he was with the girl he was "cheating" on me with... I overreacted. But he came to Dino's and convinced he was faithful. And I knew, I could tell by the look on his face that he was being truthful. And I forgave him; as well as apologize. That night he opened up to me a lot. He shared with me feelings that I didn't even know he felt. He told me I was no competition with his other ex's, that I was the only girl he's actually cared about. But, he would not let himself fall in love with me because he continued to compare himself to one of my ex's. A guy I had been with for almost three years. But, I wasn't with him because I loved him. I was with him because I got used to him. I didn't know what it was like to be with anyone else, so I never let any other relationship last more than three months...
Except for Adrian.

If I hadn't wanted this, or him, I wouldn't have let this go on for so long. But he didn't see that.

The next day we argued. I tried explaining to him that I was okay with him being friends with that girl, Vianey, because I was the only girl he told his stuff to. And maybe he wanted to talk to someone different, and that was fine with me. I have guy friends too, and I always talk to them and sometimes told them stuff I couldn't tell Adrian. I don't know what happened. But I guess he misunderstood what I was trying to say, and thought I didn't trust him. Maybe it was the way I said it? I'm not sure. But that night he broke up with me, again. He told me he was done arguing and he wanted to be single. He didn't want this anymore.

What could I do? Nothing. I will not force someone to stay with me if that is not what they truly want themselves. I didn't want to be single, but I'm not upset that I am. I feel fine. I feel that I'm over it. But Adrian, on the other hand, doesn't quite seem like he is. He has pushed me away. He deleted me from Facebook. He won't reply to my messages or texts. It's as if he feels that the only way to get over me, is to get rid of me. And that's fine; I will respect his way of overcoming situations such as these. I know that I tried. I put up with all his troubles, and I never gave up. I let him by himself with me, and never judged him. I never asked him to change or act differently. I cared about him for who he was, not for who I wanted him to be. The best thing he ever said to me was, "I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
That is and remains one of my favorite phrases from him. Because I loved what I became while being with him. I learned to love myself even more. And although we are not together anymore, I thank him. For letting me have a little more happiness in my life. A year worth of extra happiness. The rest is a mystery, and I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

What I did realize was that I didn't fall in love. I fell in love with what I thought we were. What I thought could happen for us in the future. I loved him, I won't deny that. But I wasn't IN love like I thought I was. I just loved who I was when I was with him. And I hope to one day be able to get him back as my friend. That best friend I used to have, and that one I wish to get back. Give it time.

How Weird You Are.

Lydia Licon.
Unfortunately, this woman is my "mother."
If you can even call her that. And yes, everyone says that I should be nice to her. But how can you respect someone who shows you now respect in return? It's a little hard.
I hardly hold any love for her. No motherly love for her at all, actually.
It's just a love that a person would hold for lets say a teacher, or a friend?
Sometimes I hate her.
But of course, I can't tell her that.
Ugh!
I just don't understand her.
How can she be so cruel to me.
She gave me life, and she treats me like shit at times. Why?
What did I do to you?
If you didn't want to have me, abortion was an option.
Duh. Think about it.



She tries to be a mom.
But why now?
Why after all the yelling, beatings, unforgettable statements...
Why... HOW do you think I could just forgive you... just like that?
What the fuck are you thinking?!
How the hell do you think I feel?
Stupid... You're so stupid.


And I hate to not be able to tell you the real reason why I'm choosing to move out.
I guess it's better to keep that information to myself.
But if you ever ask...
The reason I am leaving is you.
You have made me feel so lonely.
How can I feel like that? You might wonder. Being a person who has almost everything, and yet feel lonely?
Because of all the shit you've done to me.
Maybe you were right... Maybe I was a mistake. Maybe I am an embarrassment. Maybe I am good for nothing. A slut. A whore. Stupid.

But I am trying.
I tried to gain some of your love...
But in the end I gave up because I realized that I don't want it.
I have Jesse. My loving father to fill in the gap I hold.
I don't need you.

Blank.

Egh.

School, is stupid.

Friends, seem sometimes complicated.

Home, is a nightmare.

Work, is a bitch.

Boyfriend, luckily is always there.

Life, just seems so pointless lately.

Some of my relatives say that I'm too mature for my age.

That I have grown up too fast so everything is boring for me now.

How can that be?

How can I have outgrown my childhood?

I'm still a kid at heart, am I not?

But lately everything just seems so "egh"

Like the other day Lydia took my friend Shirley and I to the mall. And I was excited, I hadn't been to the mall in a while. But once I got there and walked around, it wasn't as fun as I remembered. It was just crowded.

It seemed like a whatever thing, and I wanted to leave.

I don't even feel like going anywhere anymore.

I just stay home.

I don't even eat, and when I do I just eat because the food is there in front of me.

I don't care how I look when I go out.

All I do is sit and think.

And draw on myself((:

Until he texts me.

He makes me smile((:

and I'm so glad I have Him right now, we're both going through some stuff so it's noice to have someone else there who can actually understand you.

Of course there is my beloved shirley!

But my boyfriend is my sweetheart<33

The Idea of My Moving Out...Is driving Lydia INSANE.

She thinks I'm leaving because I want to have sex.

"Of course not Lydia! I don't need to move out to have sex, duhh((;"

But well I suppose it's just a motherly thing, whatever that is?

And Jesse thinks I'm unhappy.

No Father of mine!

I love you with all my heart, how can I be unhappy with you at my side?

Can they not understand that there is a moment in time where the young bird must spread their wings and fly on their own?

I just want some independence.

And I do have some at home, but living there I know that if I make a mistake then they will always be there to fix it.

...And that's not what I want.

I want to be able to fix my own problems.

How else will I learn to grow up?

How can they not understand that.

Oh well, I will leave soon either way.

Getting away will do me well.

Hopefully all goes well, Yes?

Reality.

Can you love someone, and still date other people?

Not just love them, but be IN LOVE with them?

If this is true, then there is hope.

and if not, then am I just being stupid?

:/

help needed...

Senior Baby.

Pressure pressure baby.

haha.

I hate how grown-ups try to teach us not to be so "naggy" and "dramatic" when sometimes they're the dramatic ones.

A GREAT example would be our English teacher, Mr. Jahnke.

He's such a great teacher, handsome and funny, gahh! I would totally hit that.

:DD

He has his whole life figured out, so he says, but he nags and nags and nags.

He's always telling us not to nag and to grow up.

It's like what the hell? How can you say that to someone without yourself actually being able to grow up.

Makes no sense.

You can't force a person to grow up, duhh!

A person grow up on their own, depending on influences, parents, school, etc.

People grow up when someone "big" happens in their life, it's not that easy, as most people have noticed.

But other than that, being a senior is preety noice.

Lot's of pressure.

Colleges, Universities, Grades, Dances?, Boyfriends, Girlfriends, Friends!

Our heads are about to explode!

Why do teenagers worry so much?

How can we have so many worries and thoughts going through our heads, its amazing.

hehe.

Boys are still in my mind :]

But one stands out more than the others.

(won't say who :DD)

A lot of bad things have been happening, but I'd rather not say because I shouldn't be thinking of the bad things. I should be happy, and so I try to make the best of everything.

I hope that's a good thing?

I'm guessing that's all for now.

If I think of anything else, I'll bring it up :]

tah-tah.

<33

I Wonder.

I wonder why when people are in love, they fight.
I wonder why people eat fast food instead of cooking at home.
I wonder why everyone is afraid of homosexuality.
I wonder why parents think hitting their children is correct.
I wonder why people can't just grab a cloud.
I wonder why the world is falling apart.
I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend.
I wonder why I hardly have a "true" friend.
I wonder why the guy I like doesn't like me back.
I wonder how much I'll grow by the time I'm 21.
I wonder if next summer I'll be able to go to New York.
I wonder if I'll ever get over him.
I wonder if I'll ever go to Russia.
I wonder if people truly like me.
I wonder if the words "I'm Sorry" really make a difference.
I wonder why teens don't do their homework.
I wonder why dirty old men hit on young girls.
I wonder why I feel so disliked by people.
I wonder how things will be 50 years from now.
I wonder if I'll ever get married.
I wonder if I'll ever get to do all the things I want before I die.
I wonder how it feels to die.
I wonder if it'll hurt.
I wonder why I'm so unhappy all the time.
I wonder why I let people push me around so.
I wonder why so much bad stuff has happened to me.
I wonder what I did to deserve it?
I wonder if this is God's plan for me.
I wonder if my brother loves me.
I wonder if he knows how much I truly love him.
I wonder if my friends know how much love I have for them.


There's so much to wonder about...
I just want to know if I'll be happy...

PB&J

Isn't it a nice feeling when you meet someone who makes you smile everyday?
After being alone for a while, that feeling is almost magical.




Here I go :]

So,...In march of this year, I started going to Adult school. My friend and I were judging guys as they walked into class. Lame, I know. We were rating them and saying who we would date and what not...

So this guy walked in, I didn't know him. I had never seen him before,...But I told my friend that out of everyone, I would date him.
I didn't talk to him at all, throughout those few months that led to June. I felt really dumb, I wanted to say something...but never did.

Until finally!
I started talking to him...on my last day of class!
I found out he had a girlfriend, and so on...
The conversation was nice, he seemed really cool.

After that day, class ended. He asked me if I was coming back to adult school in September, and I said yes. :]

SEPTEMBER.
I had almost forgotten about him until my friend called me one night and said that she was at adult school. She was super excited to give me the news...Apparently that guy had asked her about me and for my number.
I looked like this -----> XD

We started hanging out, texting eachother like everyday.
We fooled around and stuff, and at first it didn't seem like much...
But now I like him:/
its not like a "omg i love you" kind of like.
It's just a "i like kissing you, and being with you, etc" kind of like.
Is that a lot?
ha-ha...


so yeah!
That's all for now.
:]


P.S.: he's my jelly, and I his peanut butter. :D

How Foolish Of You.

*Note: this is for someone, but I am too angry to say it to them...*

Fuck you.
You're such an idiot. I don't know how things have gone up to this point. We talked about everything, and yet you pull a stunt like this. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Now, I am NOT sorry for what I've said to you.

I forgave you for that shit you said to me, and still you get mad at me. For what?
You said you didn't care anymore...Yet you do.
Fuck! Make up your mind.
How can I understand you if you never tell me anything?

Will being friends with me really kill you?
If so, then I don't want to be your friend.
At this point, talking to you will be something I would really have to think about.
Your "stunt" the other day was really ridiculous and if things are going to be like that, then do what you want.


I'm Done.



No seas Hipocrita.

Origin.

Isn't it sometimes hard to know where exactly you come from?

Cause you can be born here, and you are an american...But is that your ethnicity?

No.

People can be Russian, born in mexico. They are mexican citizens, but are of Russian ethnicity.

Complicated...

But how can you trace back that far?

It's really complicated.

I've tried...and still trying.

My family is so mixed up.

On my mom's side.

My grandfather is Mexican.

Grandmother is Spanish/Mexican.

Dad's side.

Grandfather is Mexican/French/Spanish.

Grandmother is Spanish/Irish.

I'm like a weird...idk...

A good mixture, I guess?

Supposedly my grandfather is part Armenian too.

But who knows...

Crazy.

My dad is from a little town where everyone is of Spanish Descent.

But not many people know that.

If you don't know, It's called: La Capilla de Guadalupe, Jalisco.

Small little town where everyone knows everyone.

and everyone there is white.

There are more white people there then here in Cali.

It's like going to Palos Verdes, but everyone is speaking Spanish.

it's sad that no one knows their own ancestry.

I researched that stuff, cause I'm very curious.

When I was little I used to say I was just Mexican.

Because I had never met my Dad's parents before.

But when I did, I learned a lot more.

Blahh.

I'm glad to be mixed. I wonder how my children will be.

I'm proud to be Mexican, I go to mexico all the time.

I'm proud to be Spanish, going to Spain is a dream of mine.

I'm proud to be somewhat French, I'm learning how to speak it.

I'm proud to be somewhat Irish, I'm not really sure what to say about that one, everyone on my Grandmother's side Drink a lot? ha.

So does my dad.

But I'm more proud to be Mexican because that's what I grew up knowing.

Although I have a lot of white cousins, So I am somewhat white washed...

I'm proud to be who I am.

But I'll narrow it down to Mexican and White.

Weird.

hmm, be curious too?

It's always fun to find out stuff about yourself.

:]

Google.

Escuela.

blahhh.
about to start.
i am so not prepared for this.
but eh, what to do now?
last year.
yay?

Should I be happy cause it's the last year?
Hmm...probably not.


Anyways!
Can't wait.
This year is going to be strict...er!
Gahh.

Plans for this year.
Make up the D's.
Get Better Grades.
FOCUS!
Go to Mexico for Christmas break. (:
Graduate.
ha, very planned out, yes?


Good Luck to everyone.

oh one more, GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE.
:DD

new thoughts; more losses

When you decide to do something, should it matter what others think?
If you're so determined, and others put you down, should you listen?
I've been asking myself that question for so long.

I've made a decision to go far away, to a different country to do my university.
Many people don't agree with me, they think it is a foolish idea.
But if it makes me happy, and I really want to do it, should I care what those foolish people have to say?
Of Course Not.
It is my decision, not theirs.
Screw them.
If they cannot be happy for what I am doing then, So What.
The point is that I am happy.
They fear I will abandon them, and not talk to them anymore.
But I will.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?



Do not fear the loss of friendship.
For those who want to keep friends, shall.
And those who don't shall lose them.
Be open minded to new decisions, and new mistakes.
Learn from them, and live on.
Don't let anyone hold you back.

Tell Me Something.

All I ever do is talk, ha.
So I'd like people to tell me stuff now.
Anything!
Doesn't matter.




Tell me about yourself, your life, favorite movies, pet peeves, etc.
I'd like to get to know more people.
If this idea of mine even works?


worth a try.
i have nothing better to do.



Well!
I'll leave now.
Hope anyone interested in my "idea" ?


Night.(:

Too Much.

I understand that mothers are supposed to be supportive, loving and such. But is it ever possible for a mother to be "too loving"? Can a mother be controlling?...Cause I sure think mine is...

She tries to dress me, change my hair, my music, and basically who I am. She says that we are so different, it's hard to believe she is my mother. So what if we're different? I am my own person. But she keeps trying to run my life. She doesn't let me make mistakes, at all...How am I supposed to learn how to live my life if I am not living it myself? How can I grow up if she's always hovering me? I try to tell her, I try to be mature when I explain my situation to her to not seem that I am a "naggy teenager." But she just starts to say things like "you hate me...you don't appreciate me,...blah blah blah." I wish I could shake her, yell it out, anything!... and tell her that I don't hate her, that I do appreciate her, I just don't want her to hover me. I want her to let me live, and when I need her,...I'll go to her.

The sad part is I don't see her as a mother...
I've never had that huge "bond" with my mother the way other daughters have, I'm barely starting to get to know her. She wasn't there much of my childhood, my dad raised my younger brother and I. For she passed through a very hard depressional state at which she could not be near us...
I don't blame her, I just feel I can't truly trust her yet. She's like a friend, a person I care for and can talk to, but not really a "motherly" figure. If that makes sense...
I hate to tell her that, because I know she's trying, but I don't want to lie to her.

But I'm sticking in there.
I try to communicate with her, and tell her things. But I usually tell my dad first.
I try to bond with her, but we always end up fighting. It's like being with a stranger at times.

What can I do?...Any advice?
If so, it would be highly appreciated.

The Invisible Woman.

The first time I read this poem, I loved it.
Hope you do as well...




"The invisible woman in the asylum corridor sees others quite clearly, including the doctor who patiently tells her she isn't invisible -- and pities the doctor, who must be mad to stand there in the asylum corridor talking and gesturing to nothing at all.
The invisible woman has great compassion. So, after a while, she pulls on her body like a rumpled glove, and switches on her voice to comfort the elated doctor with words. Better to suffer this prominence than for the poor young doctor to learn he himself in insane.
Only the strong can know that."

-Morgan

KJV.

Its so fucken stupid how everytime you and I talk, we start fighting. Why?
Fuuuck, Its so irritating. Sometimes I feel like I don't even want to talk to you...its so depressing where we are right now. It's no where close to being friends anymore, we just argue. Nothing makes sense anymore, and I feel like I don't know you anymore. I know you hate me for breaking up with you, but still... like ughh.

I hate the fact that you told me I'm selfish and that I get mad when something doesn't go my way, but thats not true. As stupid as it sounds, I'm always angry around you, but you're so cool at times that I'm afraid of losing you. We're like magnets, we're too much alike now that we neglect eachother. You know me too well, and I know you too well. And thats usually supposed to be a good thing, no?

I just don't what to say to you anymore...





Where are we going with this?

Everything Till Now

Its funny how things could be going so great at one point, and suddenly crash on another. Sometimes when you think life is spectacular, it usually is...And when you complain about it and say that your life is a living nightmare, you're usually wrong. Life is not a nightmare, its just life. It's a roller coaster of feelings, gains and losses, schools, jobs, movies, different hair styles, different clothes, boyfriends and girlfriends, etc. Most people don't appreciate even those little things, people don't notice that bad things in life don't happen because someone is trying to punish us, but teach us. All the bad things that happen shape you, emotionally/mentally. If it weren't for all those things, would you really be the person you are today?

For the past few months I've had so much shit going on, from bad things to good things. I've had a friend tell me he's going to be a dad. I had a friend tell me he couldn't be my friend anymore because his girlfriend doesn't like the fact that I used to like this kid. I got into an argument with my best friend... But I'm not upset, yet almost grateful. If shit like this never happened to me, it would be as if I weren't living...I would be a zombie, and I don't want that. I want to live my life. I want to cry when things are sad, I want to yell when I'm angry, I want to laugh when something is funny, and I want to mourn when someone has died. I just want to live.

I dislike a lot of people, and I bet a lot of people dislike me,...for I am not the most interesting person in the world, but atleast I try. Mostly all my life I've let everyone else push me over, until now. I stand up for myself and say what is on my mind. The stupid part is that now that I do that, people dislike me even more...how ridiculous is that. I also dislike how people nag about their lives, and how I seem to be the one always listening. I just want to shake them and say, "FUCK! Stop! Stop blaming yourself and the world because tomorrow is a new day,...and everything will be okay." But nobody listens to that shit. They want someone to take action for them because they have no idea what they're doing.

I also feel really stupid...a while back my friend was in the hospital. A friend I've known since we were like fetuses. She's practically family now. And I never said anything to her. I never called her to see how she was, or visit her... That was probably one of the worse things I could have done as a so called "friend." But the only reason I didn't do all of that was because I didn't know what to say, because I was worried shitless. I hate it when my loved ones are in the hospital, even for the smallest of things, it scares the shit out of me. Not only that, but my grandmother is in the hospital right now... And I thought to myself, "I cannot lose them both,..." I doubt I could take that much. But I will visit her, and I will hug her and tell her that all I thought about was her. And this summer I will visit my grandmother, for I don't know what is to come next. But who does, right?

Last thing...I hope.
My best friend Bertha and I got into an argument a while back, almost a month. We didn't talk for a while which felt like hell. Once you get so used to someone, its hard when they're not there anymore. I felt...empty.
Time passed and we finally talked it over, but the funny thing is that we didn't start hanging out like before. We stayed the way we were, and just said hi to eachother whenever we saw eachother. It felt so weird, yet normal. I'd gotten used to the idea of just being on my own, until today. We were in English class, and todays topic was DEATH. Recently Bertha had lost her younger cousin, six years of age. He drowned, and she's still mourning. I knew that when she got up to go to the bathroom, I had to follow her. I walked with her outside into the hallway, and hugged her so tight I never wanted to let go of her. And I told her, one of the very people I have said this to, I said, "Everything's going to be okay..." And at that moment I wasn't sure of what I was saying. How could I promise her everything was going to be okay if I wasn't so sure about it? The answer to that question is still a mystery, but I could say that whenever I'm with her, I'll try to make things okay.

I hadn't held Bertha like that in a very long time...and at that moment I realized how much I truly missed her...But I also realized how much things have changed. I love this girl so much, and she knows that. I think the whole world knows that because I talk about her so much. I just want her to know that I'll always be here. No matter where I am, or what time it is,... I'm here.

I could use this blog to tell the whole world about my horrible life. About all the shit I've been through, until this very day. But what would that say about me? That I "want" attention... That I'm Emo. That I have no life but to mourn about my past. Hell No. I don't need anyones pity, because I am happy with who I am. I am me. And I am SO grateful for everything that has happened in my life. Although I sometimes wish I could go back in time and change a few things, I think that I would not be the same person I am today. I've come so far, and I'm not stopping now.


"Although I should be pissed off for what happened to me, It's hard when there is so much Beauty in the world."
-American Beauty