When Things Get Complicated...

Sometimes it's nice just to fall in love with love, is it not? Sometimes it's nice just to cherish those few moments of happiness because that's all you have at the moment. And although those moments might end, others will definitely come.

A year ago, February 22nd to be more exact, I began talking to this boy. I had seen him before at work, but had never really started a meaningful conversation. His name is Luis Adrian Ordonez. He and I began a friendship that made me change, a lot. I began to express myself with him more than I had ever done with any other boy; or friend for that matter. He made me realize that it's okay to be weird at times.

Adrian became my friend, and later my boyfriend. Our friendship is something I'll always remember. He made me laugh so much! He was the first person I wanted to talk to when I got home from school everyday; he always listened to me and made my day a little brighter. He practically became my best friend. But Adrian didn't just want to be my friend. Adrian wanted to be my boyfriend. It was weird for me; he was so different and I never thought he actually wanted to be with me. We began kissing in public, hugging, cuddling, and kissing. I began to fall. But I was afraid; sometimes I fall too hard, and sometimes I don't fall enough. I felt like I didn't like him as much as he did. But I was willing to try because he was a wonderful person. He asked me out about three times, but I always said "No." Until the 28th of June...

The first time I met Adrian, I was working. So I thought it would be a good idea to take him to the place where it all began. He would go to Dino's and get vanilla shakes. So on that day, I made him a vanilla milkshake. And on the cup I wrote, "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" When I gave him the cup, without even finishing to read the sentence, he immediately said yes. I felt good. I felt like, "Okay, he's my best friend and now my boyfriend. What could go wrong? He'll always be there through thick and thin. And I, likewise.

On August 18th, the words "I love you" became known.
I wasn't really sure if I "loved" him, but I knew that I cared about him more than any other boy.

Months passed...
We laughed, cried, yelled, cuddled, argued, wrestled, grubbed, drove, danced, slept, and practically did everything together. And yes, things got complicated. But when don't they? Life is full of surprises and complications. But it always depends on how the person adapts to them. I never gave up on him, even when things got bad. I knew that things would get worse before they got better. It's like school. You work and work and work. Trying your best to succeed. And you might get that "C" but you will never be satisfied like that because you know you can always get that "A." So what do you do? You work for it. You struggle through all the complications, through all the restless nights, through all the crying and hard work; and in the end, it'll all be worth it, right?

Winter break came along...
It was hard for us to see one another, but we tried as best we could. We fought to make this work. And on our anniversary, we were able to see each other. Six months; six months of joy and happiness. Were we perfect? Of course not. But we never gave up. Or at least that's what I thought. On the night of New Year, things changed. That whole week had felt different. It felt empty. And out of curiosity I asked, "Do you still like me?" The next few words made my heart stop. "I don't know."
How can someone who claimed to love you, who claimed to want a future with you, who claimed to want to be with you forever not know if they like you? How can feelings like that shatter from one day to another? How can something that looked so true end up being a lie. Adrian did not love me; he said. He just thought he did. The only reason he told me that he did was because he knew I was waiting for it. That was cold. You don't say to someone, "I like you" and not mean it. It's lying. It's like he lied to me all those months. And while I thought he was "falling", I fell harder and harder each day.

I cried. I cried my little heart out. I screamed, I stomped, I threw shit around, and lay there empty minded. I didn't know what to do next. I was lost. I had never felt so much emptiness before. But, I am the type of person that when I want to get over things... I talk to that person as if nothing happened. So I sent him a text message the next day, acting as if nothing had happened. Little did I know, this was killing him inside. Adrian regretted doing what he did. I hoped for this to happen, but I didn't want to be a stupid girl and take him back as if everything were okay. So I told him to wait; give me a few days, I said. That was Saturday. On Monday, I saw him. We talked and cried. Adrian begged for me back, and that made me feel as if he really did want me. He told me he would never beg anyone, but he begged me. Why? Why was I any different? I still can't answer that question; not even now.

We got back together. And everything seemed great. I was happy, and I thought he was happy too.

Rumors spread like peanut butter on toast.
His friends said he was cheating. And I knew inside myself that he would never do such a thing. But jealousy got the best of me that day. And when I called him, and he was with the girl he was "cheating" on me with... I overreacted. But he came to Dino's and convinced he was faithful. And I knew, I could tell by the look on his face that he was being truthful. And I forgave him; as well as apologize. That night he opened up to me a lot. He shared with me feelings that I didn't even know he felt. He told me I was no competition with his other ex's, that I was the only girl he's actually cared about. But, he would not let himself fall in love with me because he continued to compare himself to one of my ex's. A guy I had been with for almost three years. But, I wasn't with him because I loved him. I was with him because I got used to him. I didn't know what it was like to be with anyone else, so I never let any other relationship last more than three months...
Except for Adrian.

If I hadn't wanted this, or him, I wouldn't have let this go on for so long. But he didn't see that.

The next day we argued. I tried explaining to him that I was okay with him being friends with that girl, Vianey, because I was the only girl he told his stuff to. And maybe he wanted to talk to someone different, and that was fine with me. I have guy friends too, and I always talk to them and sometimes told them stuff I couldn't tell Adrian. I don't know what happened. But I guess he misunderstood what I was trying to say, and thought I didn't trust him. Maybe it was the way I said it? I'm not sure. But that night he broke up with me, again. He told me he was done arguing and he wanted to be single. He didn't want this anymore.

What could I do? Nothing. I will not force someone to stay with me if that is not what they truly want themselves. I didn't want to be single, but I'm not upset that I am. I feel fine. I feel that I'm over it. But Adrian, on the other hand, doesn't quite seem like he is. He has pushed me away. He deleted me from Facebook. He won't reply to my messages or texts. It's as if he feels that the only way to get over me, is to get rid of me. And that's fine; I will respect his way of overcoming situations such as these. I know that I tried. I put up with all his troubles, and I never gave up. I let him by himself with me, and never judged him. I never asked him to change or act differently. I cared about him for who he was, not for who I wanted him to be. The best thing he ever said to me was, "I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
That is and remains one of my favorite phrases from him. Because I loved what I became while being with him. I learned to love myself even more. And although we are not together anymore, I thank him. For letting me have a little more happiness in my life. A year worth of extra happiness. The rest is a mystery, and I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

What I did realize was that I didn't fall in love. I fell in love with what I thought we were. What I thought could happen for us in the future. I loved him, I won't deny that. But I wasn't IN love like I thought I was. I just loved who I was when I was with him. And I hope to one day be able to get him back as my friend. That best friend I used to have, and that one I wish to get back. Give it time.