Reality.

Can you love someone, and still date other people?

Not just love them, but be IN LOVE with them?

If this is true, then there is hope.

and if not, then am I just being stupid?

:/

help needed...

Senior Baby.

Pressure pressure baby.

haha.

I hate how grown-ups try to teach us not to be so "naggy" and "dramatic" when sometimes they're the dramatic ones.

A GREAT example would be our English teacher, Mr. Jahnke.

He's such a great teacher, handsome and funny, gahh! I would totally hit that.

:DD

He has his whole life figured out, so he says, but he nags and nags and nags.

He's always telling us not to nag and to grow up.

It's like what the hell? How can you say that to someone without yourself actually being able to grow up.

Makes no sense.

You can't force a person to grow up, duhh!

A person grow up on their own, depending on influences, parents, school, etc.

People grow up when someone "big" happens in their life, it's not that easy, as most people have noticed.

But other than that, being a senior is preety noice.

Lot's of pressure.

Colleges, Universities, Grades, Dances?, Boyfriends, Girlfriends, Friends!

Our heads are about to explode!

Why do teenagers worry so much?

How can we have so many worries and thoughts going through our heads, its amazing.

hehe.

Boys are still in my mind :]

But one stands out more than the others.

(won't say who :DD)

A lot of bad things have been happening, but I'd rather not say because I shouldn't be thinking of the bad things. I should be happy, and so I try to make the best of everything.

I hope that's a good thing?

I'm guessing that's all for now.

If I think of anything else, I'll bring it up :]

tah-tah.

<33

I Wonder.

I wonder why when people are in love, they fight.
I wonder why people eat fast food instead of cooking at home.
I wonder why everyone is afraid of homosexuality.
I wonder why parents think hitting their children is correct.
I wonder why people can't just grab a cloud.
I wonder why the world is falling apart.
I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend.
I wonder why I hardly have a "true" friend.
I wonder why the guy I like doesn't like me back.
I wonder how much I'll grow by the time I'm 21.
I wonder if next summer I'll be able to go to New York.
I wonder if I'll ever get over him.
I wonder if I'll ever go to Russia.
I wonder if people truly like me.
I wonder if the words "I'm Sorry" really make a difference.
I wonder why teens don't do their homework.
I wonder why dirty old men hit on young girls.
I wonder why I feel so disliked by people.
I wonder how things will be 50 years from now.
I wonder if I'll ever get married.
I wonder if I'll ever get to do all the things I want before I die.
I wonder how it feels to die.
I wonder if it'll hurt.
I wonder why I'm so unhappy all the time.
I wonder why I let people push me around so.
I wonder why so much bad stuff has happened to me.
I wonder what I did to deserve it?
I wonder if this is God's plan for me.
I wonder if my brother loves me.
I wonder if he knows how much I truly love him.
I wonder if my friends know how much love I have for them.


There's so much to wonder about...
I just want to know if I'll be happy...

PB&J

Isn't it a nice feeling when you meet someone who makes you smile everyday?
After being alone for a while, that feeling is almost magical.




Here I go :]

So,...In march of this year, I started going to Adult school. My friend and I were judging guys as they walked into class. Lame, I know. We were rating them and saying who we would date and what not...

So this guy walked in, I didn't know him. I had never seen him before,...But I told my friend that out of everyone, I would date him.
I didn't talk to him at all, throughout those few months that led to June. I felt really dumb, I wanted to say something...but never did.

Until finally!
I started talking to him...on my last day of class!
I found out he had a girlfriend, and so on...
The conversation was nice, he seemed really cool.

After that day, class ended. He asked me if I was coming back to adult school in September, and I said yes. :]

SEPTEMBER.
I had almost forgotten about him until my friend called me one night and said that she was at adult school. She was super excited to give me the news...Apparently that guy had asked her about me and for my number.
I looked like this -----> XD

We started hanging out, texting eachother like everyday.
We fooled around and stuff, and at first it didn't seem like much...
But now I like him:/
its not like a "omg i love you" kind of like.
It's just a "i like kissing you, and being with you, etc" kind of like.
Is that a lot?
ha-ha...


so yeah!
That's all for now.
:]


P.S.: he's my jelly, and I his peanut butter. :D

How Foolish Of You.

*Note: this is for someone, but I am too angry to say it to them...*

Fuck you.
You're such an idiot. I don't know how things have gone up to this point. We talked about everything, and yet you pull a stunt like this. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Now, I am NOT sorry for what I've said to you.

I forgave you for that shit you said to me, and still you get mad at me. For what?
You said you didn't care anymore...Yet you do.
Fuck! Make up your mind.
How can I understand you if you never tell me anything?

Will being friends with me really kill you?
If so, then I don't want to be your friend.
At this point, talking to you will be something I would really have to think about.
Your "stunt" the other day was really ridiculous and if things are going to be like that, then do what you want.


I'm Done.



No seas Hipocrita.

Origin.

Isn't it sometimes hard to know where exactly you come from?

Cause you can be born here, and you are an american...But is that your ethnicity?

No.

People can be Russian, born in mexico. They are mexican citizens, but are of Russian ethnicity.

Complicated...

But how can you trace back that far?

It's really complicated.

I've tried...and still trying.

My family is so mixed up.

On my mom's side.

My grandfather is Mexican.

Grandmother is Spanish/Mexican.

Dad's side.

Grandfather is Mexican/French/Spanish.

Grandmother is Spanish/Irish.

I'm like a weird...idk...

A good mixture, I guess?

Supposedly my grandfather is part Armenian too.

But who knows...

Crazy.

My dad is from a little town where everyone is of Spanish Descent.

But not many people know that.

If you don't know, It's called: La Capilla de Guadalupe, Jalisco.

Small little town where everyone knows everyone.

and everyone there is white.

There are more white people there then here in Cali.

It's like going to Palos Verdes, but everyone is speaking Spanish.

it's sad that no one knows their own ancestry.

I researched that stuff, cause I'm very curious.

When I was little I used to say I was just Mexican.

Because I had never met my Dad's parents before.

But when I did, I learned a lot more.

Blahh.

I'm glad to be mixed. I wonder how my children will be.

I'm proud to be Mexican, I go to mexico all the time.

I'm proud to be Spanish, going to Spain is a dream of mine.

I'm proud to be somewhat French, I'm learning how to speak it.

I'm proud to be somewhat Irish, I'm not really sure what to say about that one, everyone on my Grandmother's side Drink a lot? ha.

So does my dad.

But I'm more proud to be Mexican because that's what I grew up knowing.

Although I have a lot of white cousins, So I am somewhat white washed...

I'm proud to be who I am.

But I'll narrow it down to Mexican and White.

Weird.

hmm, be curious too?

It's always fun to find out stuff about yourself.

:]

Google.

Escuela.

blahhh.
about to start.
i am so not prepared for this.
but eh, what to do now?
last year.
yay?

Should I be happy cause it's the last year?
Hmm...probably not.


Anyways!
Can't wait.
This year is going to be strict...er!
Gahh.

Plans for this year.
Make up the D's.
Get Better Grades.
FOCUS!
Go to Mexico for Christmas break. (:
Graduate.
ha, very planned out, yes?


Good Luck to everyone.

oh one more, GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE.
:DD

new thoughts; more losses

When you decide to do something, should it matter what others think?
If you're so determined, and others put you down, should you listen?
I've been asking myself that question for so long.

I've made a decision to go far away, to a different country to do my university.
Many people don't agree with me, they think it is a foolish idea.
But if it makes me happy, and I really want to do it, should I care what those foolish people have to say?
Of Course Not.
It is my decision, not theirs.
Screw them.
If they cannot be happy for what I am doing then, So What.
The point is that I am happy.
They fear I will abandon them, and not talk to them anymore.
But I will.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?



Do not fear the loss of friendship.
For those who want to keep friends, shall.
And those who don't shall lose them.
Be open minded to new decisions, and new mistakes.
Learn from them, and live on.
Don't let anyone hold you back.

Tell Me Something.

All I ever do is talk, ha.
So I'd like people to tell me stuff now.
Anything!
Doesn't matter.




Tell me about yourself, your life, favorite movies, pet peeves, etc.
I'd like to get to know more people.
If this idea of mine even works?


worth a try.
i have nothing better to do.



Well!
I'll leave now.
Hope anyone interested in my "idea" ?


Night.(:

Too Much.

I understand that mothers are supposed to be supportive, loving and such. But is it ever possible for a mother to be "too loving"? Can a mother be controlling?...Cause I sure think mine is...

She tries to dress me, change my hair, my music, and basically who I am. She says that we are so different, it's hard to believe she is my mother. So what if we're different? I am my own person. But she keeps trying to run my life. She doesn't let me make mistakes, at all...How am I supposed to learn how to live my life if I am not living it myself? How can I grow up if she's always hovering me? I try to tell her, I try to be mature when I explain my situation to her to not seem that I am a "naggy teenager." But she just starts to say things like "you hate me...you don't appreciate me,...blah blah blah." I wish I could shake her, yell it out, anything!... and tell her that I don't hate her, that I do appreciate her, I just don't want her to hover me. I want her to let me live, and when I need her,...I'll go to her.

The sad part is I don't see her as a mother...
I've never had that huge "bond" with my mother the way other daughters have, I'm barely starting to get to know her. She wasn't there much of my childhood, my dad raised my younger brother and I. For she passed through a very hard depressional state at which she could not be near us...
I don't blame her, I just feel I can't truly trust her yet. She's like a friend, a person I care for and can talk to, but not really a "motherly" figure. If that makes sense...
I hate to tell her that, because I know she's trying, but I don't want to lie to her.

But I'm sticking in there.
I try to communicate with her, and tell her things. But I usually tell my dad first.
I try to bond with her, but we always end up fighting. It's like being with a stranger at times.

What can I do?...Any advice?
If so, it would be highly appreciated.

The Invisible Woman.

The first time I read this poem, I loved it.
Hope you do as well...




"The invisible woman in the asylum corridor sees others quite clearly, including the doctor who patiently tells her she isn't invisible -- and pities the doctor, who must be mad to stand there in the asylum corridor talking and gesturing to nothing at all.
The invisible woman has great compassion. So, after a while, she pulls on her body like a rumpled glove, and switches on her voice to comfort the elated doctor with words. Better to suffer this prominence than for the poor young doctor to learn he himself in insane.
Only the strong can know that."

-Morgan

KJV.

Its so fucken stupid how everytime you and I talk, we start fighting. Why?
Fuuuck, Its so irritating. Sometimes I feel like I don't even want to talk to you...its so depressing where we are right now. It's no where close to being friends anymore, we just argue. Nothing makes sense anymore, and I feel like I don't know you anymore. I know you hate me for breaking up with you, but still... like ughh.

I hate the fact that you told me I'm selfish and that I get mad when something doesn't go my way, but thats not true. As stupid as it sounds, I'm always angry around you, but you're so cool at times that I'm afraid of losing you. We're like magnets, we're too much alike now that we neglect eachother. You know me too well, and I know you too well. And thats usually supposed to be a good thing, no?

I just don't what to say to you anymore...





Where are we going with this?

Everything Till Now

Its funny how things could be going so great at one point, and suddenly crash on another. Sometimes when you think life is spectacular, it usually is...And when you complain about it and say that your life is a living nightmare, you're usually wrong. Life is not a nightmare, its just life. It's a roller coaster of feelings, gains and losses, schools, jobs, movies, different hair styles, different clothes, boyfriends and girlfriends, etc. Most people don't appreciate even those little things, people don't notice that bad things in life don't happen because someone is trying to punish us, but teach us. All the bad things that happen shape you, emotionally/mentally. If it weren't for all those things, would you really be the person you are today?

For the past few months I've had so much shit going on, from bad things to good things. I've had a friend tell me he's going to be a dad. I had a friend tell me he couldn't be my friend anymore because his girlfriend doesn't like the fact that I used to like this kid. I got into an argument with my best friend... But I'm not upset, yet almost grateful. If shit like this never happened to me, it would be as if I weren't living...I would be a zombie, and I don't want that. I want to live my life. I want to cry when things are sad, I want to yell when I'm angry, I want to laugh when something is funny, and I want to mourn when someone has died. I just want to live.

I dislike a lot of people, and I bet a lot of people dislike me,...for I am not the most interesting person in the world, but atleast I try. Mostly all my life I've let everyone else push me over, until now. I stand up for myself and say what is on my mind. The stupid part is that now that I do that, people dislike me even more...how ridiculous is that. I also dislike how people nag about their lives, and how I seem to be the one always listening. I just want to shake them and say, "FUCK! Stop! Stop blaming yourself and the world because tomorrow is a new day,...and everything will be okay." But nobody listens to that shit. They want someone to take action for them because they have no idea what they're doing.

I also feel really stupid...a while back my friend was in the hospital. A friend I've known since we were like fetuses. She's practically family now. And I never said anything to her. I never called her to see how she was, or visit her... That was probably one of the worse things I could have done as a so called "friend." But the only reason I didn't do all of that was because I didn't know what to say, because I was worried shitless. I hate it when my loved ones are in the hospital, even for the smallest of things, it scares the shit out of me. Not only that, but my grandmother is in the hospital right now... And I thought to myself, "I cannot lose them both,..." I doubt I could take that much. But I will visit her, and I will hug her and tell her that all I thought about was her. And this summer I will visit my grandmother, for I don't know what is to come next. But who does, right?

Last thing...I hope.
My best friend Bertha and I got into an argument a while back, almost a month. We didn't talk for a while which felt like hell. Once you get so used to someone, its hard when they're not there anymore. I felt...empty.
Time passed and we finally talked it over, but the funny thing is that we didn't start hanging out like before. We stayed the way we were, and just said hi to eachother whenever we saw eachother. It felt so weird, yet normal. I'd gotten used to the idea of just being on my own, until today. We were in English class, and todays topic was DEATH. Recently Bertha had lost her younger cousin, six years of age. He drowned, and she's still mourning. I knew that when she got up to go to the bathroom, I had to follow her. I walked with her outside into the hallway, and hugged her so tight I never wanted to let go of her. And I told her, one of the very people I have said this to, I said, "Everything's going to be okay..." And at that moment I wasn't sure of what I was saying. How could I promise her everything was going to be okay if I wasn't so sure about it? The answer to that question is still a mystery, but I could say that whenever I'm with her, I'll try to make things okay.

I hadn't held Bertha like that in a very long time...and at that moment I realized how much I truly missed her...But I also realized how much things have changed. I love this girl so much, and she knows that. I think the whole world knows that because I talk about her so much. I just want her to know that I'll always be here. No matter where I am, or what time it is,... I'm here.

I could use this blog to tell the whole world about my horrible life. About all the shit I've been through, until this very day. But what would that say about me? That I "want" attention... That I'm Emo. That I have no life but to mourn about my past. Hell No. I don't need anyones pity, because I am happy with who I am. I am me. And I am SO grateful for everything that has happened in my life. Although I sometimes wish I could go back in time and change a few things, I think that I would not be the same person I am today. I've come so far, and I'm not stopping now.


"Although I should be pissed off for what happened to me, It's hard when there is so much Beauty in the world."
-American Beauty

Getting to Know Myself.

In English class, we talked about how some modernists wrote about themselves. It's as if they came out of their own bodies and wrote a story about what they did, and why they did it.



Anyways.
So I"m back to normal.
Normal I mean like my hair is back to my natural color.
Suits me, I guess?

Blahh.
Life as it is isnt as great as I would want it to be. Sure, its noice to be alive and such, but when there's not fun in life, what's the point? right?

Well not much to write about today.
Uhh, question?

"Can two people like eachother if they've never met?"

Pressure?

Ugh.
schools and careers.
careers and schools.
jobs? homes? apartments?
college O.o


Super difficult.
I've never been under so much stress.


But it'll all be worth it in the end, no?



Good Luck to all.
:DDD


I sure need it!

New Boy.

It's always best to not rush into other relationships after you've just finished one you were in. You should keep your options opened, and have many friends. If you were to find that "special" guy that catches your view, then take some time to get to know him. Because in the end, he might not be what you thought he was, and I speak from personal experience.

Story :DDD




A little over a month ago, My ex and I broke up, obviously "ex."
He was a big mistake, I've learned now. But it was also my own fault in not getting to know him better than I probably should have. And I"ve learned from that now, with a new guy.

So this "new guy", that's what I'll call him, seems like a very descent boy. We talk everyday, practically, and I'm starting to have a "thing" for him. But I am taking my time in doing so.

He seems to like me, and I hope he does.

Our issue is we dont live that close to eachother, and we don't go to the same school. I'm willing to make it work, if he is. When the time comes, anyways...

The question is: Will this work?

Although I do believe anything in relationships will work as long as the couple want it to. Once they give up, then it's over.


Blahh, good luck?
I don't think distance is much of an issue.
Do You?

Moving On; Understanding Friendship and Flirting.

Moving on is something really hard to do, because you will always see that person as someone "special."
But once its over, its over.
If people do get back together, well good for them. But there will always be this certain "weirdness" between them because they've already broken up before, it'll seem like second nature the second time. No?
I know this from personal experience, it just wont be the same anymore, which is a real shame, cause some people DO deserve second chances, and some just dont.

So, story for today :))

I used to "date" this guy. He's a bit older;blah blah blah. We just hung out, made out a few times. And yeah. I kind of had a thing for him, but I didn't want to get into anything at the moment. So when he asked me out, I said no because I only saw him as a friend. He was a bit disappointed, but later moved on.

Now, he has a gf, and I'm happy for him, so on.
So he and I still talk, cause we're friends of course, friends do that kind of stuff. :))
I talk to him about guys and such, and he's never seemed to have an issue, till today. I told him that one of my friends told me he liked me, and I kind of like this friend as well. Then my friend got all mad/disappointed, etc. After I told him that, he said he didnt know what to say. I didn't really understand why he was acting this way, should he? I mean, he and I are just friends. I don't th ink he should. He thinks maybe its a bad idea for me to date my friend, but whatever, thats on me.

So...
Whose doing something wrong in this case?
The guy says I "play with his mind"... am i?
I know my boundaries; maybe he just doesnt understand that I'm being a "friend" not flirty.
*sigh*

I hope he understands.

Don't Judge Me.

We're at that point in our lives where everything matters to us.
our looks.
our weight.
our style.
music.
even the people we date.

the question is, why?
Why do we care what people think? Are we not all supposed to be unique?
The whole idea of trying to hard to fit in, when you're meant to stand out seems stupid.
just be yourself?
wow, sounds like a good idea, doesnt it...?

So...
I've made some mistakes in my life, from small ones to huge ones that I regret so much but at the same time don't because they have made me who I am.
My ex, who by the way became one of my closest friends, knows more about me than anyone. I've told him so much, and maybe that was a mistake?
So he and I were talking today, blahblahblah, and I told him that I was seeing and older guy. And the idea of me seeing older guys makes him somewhat "angry." And I told him not to be silly, I'm not that stupid. To my surprise, he told me I was. He says that I've done so much stupidity, that's its just normal for me.

Out of all the people who judge me, I never thought he would. I opened up to him. And this is what happens?
I feel stupid.

The real questions to all of this is:
Who did wrong here, him or I ?
Am I doing something wrong dating an older guy?

Blahh.
I don't see him the same anymore, he's just not my Best guy friend any longer.
Is that wrong?

Help; if you can.
:D

Relationships.

Blahh.
huge hassel.
but trust me, the morose feeling is mutual.
we all get that feeling of "nobody wants me, im alone in the world," its common with us teens. but you shouldnt be depressed about it, thats so pathetic. be happy that your even alive, and be thankful for all that you have. you won't die because the cutest boy in school dumped you. (so cliche, i know, but the best example?)

If you are, now, between the ages of 13-17, why are you in such a hurry to grow up? Believe me, I may sound like a parent, but I'm being completely honest. Stop it! You're so young. Let time take its course, and do everything at the "perfect moment," don't ruin it. For life does not end tomorrow. Tomorrows are just another adventure.
~~~~Let it be.

Enjoy life, have tons of friends! Be flirty, not slutty.
And think, dont react out of nowhere.
That will get you...nowhere, actually.

We're too young to have all the stress for someone you're not planning on marrying.
So relax...your just a kid.