Escuela.

blahhh.
about to start.
i am so not prepared for this.
but eh, what to do now?
last year.
yay?

Should I be happy cause it's the last year?
Hmm...probably not.


Anyways!
Can't wait.
This year is going to be strict...er!
Gahh.

Plans for this year.
Make up the D's.
Get Better Grades.
FOCUS!
Go to Mexico for Christmas break. (:
Graduate.
ha, very planned out, yes?


Good Luck to everyone.

oh one more, GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE.
:DD

new thoughts; more losses

When you decide to do something, should it matter what others think?
If you're so determined, and others put you down, should you listen?
I've been asking myself that question for so long.

I've made a decision to go far away, to a different country to do my university.
Many people don't agree with me, they think it is a foolish idea.
But if it makes me happy, and I really want to do it, should I care what those foolish people have to say?
Of Course Not.
It is my decision, not theirs.
Screw them.
If they cannot be happy for what I am doing then, So What.
The point is that I am happy.
They fear I will abandon them, and not talk to them anymore.
But I will.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?



Do not fear the loss of friendship.
For those who want to keep friends, shall.
And those who don't shall lose them.
Be open minded to new decisions, and new mistakes.
Learn from them, and live on.
Don't let anyone hold you back.

Tell Me Something.

All I ever do is talk, ha.
So I'd like people to tell me stuff now.
Anything!
Doesn't matter.




Tell me about yourself, your life, favorite movies, pet peeves, etc.
I'd like to get to know more people.
If this idea of mine even works?


worth a try.
i have nothing better to do.



Well!
I'll leave now.
Hope anyone interested in my "idea" ?


Night.(:

Too Much.

I understand that mothers are supposed to be supportive, loving and such. But is it ever possible for a mother to be "too loving"? Can a mother be controlling?...Cause I sure think mine is...

She tries to dress me, change my hair, my music, and basically who I am. She says that we are so different, it's hard to believe she is my mother. So what if we're different? I am my own person. But she keeps trying to run my life. She doesn't let me make mistakes, at all...How am I supposed to learn how to live my life if I am not living it myself? How can I grow up if she's always hovering me? I try to tell her, I try to be mature when I explain my situation to her to not seem that I am a "naggy teenager." But she just starts to say things like "you hate me...you don't appreciate me,...blah blah blah." I wish I could shake her, yell it out, anything!... and tell her that I don't hate her, that I do appreciate her, I just don't want her to hover me. I want her to let me live, and when I need her,...I'll go to her.

The sad part is I don't see her as a mother...
I've never had that huge "bond" with my mother the way other daughters have, I'm barely starting to get to know her. She wasn't there much of my childhood, my dad raised my younger brother and I. For she passed through a very hard depressional state at which she could not be near us...
I don't blame her, I just feel I can't truly trust her yet. She's like a friend, a person I care for and can talk to, but not really a "motherly" figure. If that makes sense...
I hate to tell her that, because I know she's trying, but I don't want to lie to her.

But I'm sticking in there.
I try to communicate with her, and tell her things. But I usually tell my dad first.
I try to bond with her, but we always end up fighting. It's like being with a stranger at times.

What can I do?...Any advice?
If so, it would be highly appreciated.

The Invisible Woman.

The first time I read this poem, I loved it.
Hope you do as well...




"The invisible woman in the asylum corridor sees others quite clearly, including the doctor who patiently tells her she isn't invisible -- and pities the doctor, who must be mad to stand there in the asylum corridor talking and gesturing to nothing at all.
The invisible woman has great compassion. So, after a while, she pulls on her body like a rumpled glove, and switches on her voice to comfort the elated doctor with words. Better to suffer this prominence than for the poor young doctor to learn he himself in insane.
Only the strong can know that."

-Morgan

KJV.

Its so fucken stupid how everytime you and I talk, we start fighting. Why?
Fuuuck, Its so irritating. Sometimes I feel like I don't even want to talk to you...its so depressing where we are right now. It's no where close to being friends anymore, we just argue. Nothing makes sense anymore, and I feel like I don't know you anymore. I know you hate me for breaking up with you, but still... like ughh.

I hate the fact that you told me I'm selfish and that I get mad when something doesn't go my way, but thats not true. As stupid as it sounds, I'm always angry around you, but you're so cool at times that I'm afraid of losing you. We're like magnets, we're too much alike now that we neglect eachother. You know me too well, and I know you too well. And thats usually supposed to be a good thing, no?

I just don't what to say to you anymore...





Where are we going with this?

Everything Till Now

Its funny how things could be going so great at one point, and suddenly crash on another. Sometimes when you think life is spectacular, it usually is...And when you complain about it and say that your life is a living nightmare, you're usually wrong. Life is not a nightmare, its just life. It's a roller coaster of feelings, gains and losses, schools, jobs, movies, different hair styles, different clothes, boyfriends and girlfriends, etc. Most people don't appreciate even those little things, people don't notice that bad things in life don't happen because someone is trying to punish us, but teach us. All the bad things that happen shape you, emotionally/mentally. If it weren't for all those things, would you really be the person you are today?

For the past few months I've had so much shit going on, from bad things to good things. I've had a friend tell me he's going to be a dad. I had a friend tell me he couldn't be my friend anymore because his girlfriend doesn't like the fact that I used to like this kid. I got into an argument with my best friend... But I'm not upset, yet almost grateful. If shit like this never happened to me, it would be as if I weren't living...I would be a zombie, and I don't want that. I want to live my life. I want to cry when things are sad, I want to yell when I'm angry, I want to laugh when something is funny, and I want to mourn when someone has died. I just want to live.

I dislike a lot of people, and I bet a lot of people dislike me,...for I am not the most interesting person in the world, but atleast I try. Mostly all my life I've let everyone else push me over, until now. I stand up for myself and say what is on my mind. The stupid part is that now that I do that, people dislike me even more...how ridiculous is that. I also dislike how people nag about their lives, and how I seem to be the one always listening. I just want to shake them and say, "FUCK! Stop! Stop blaming yourself and the world because tomorrow is a new day,...and everything will be okay." But nobody listens to that shit. They want someone to take action for them because they have no idea what they're doing.

I also feel really stupid...a while back my friend was in the hospital. A friend I've known since we were like fetuses. She's practically family now. And I never said anything to her. I never called her to see how she was, or visit her... That was probably one of the worse things I could have done as a so called "friend." But the only reason I didn't do all of that was because I didn't know what to say, because I was worried shitless. I hate it when my loved ones are in the hospital, even for the smallest of things, it scares the shit out of me. Not only that, but my grandmother is in the hospital right now... And I thought to myself, "I cannot lose them both,..." I doubt I could take that much. But I will visit her, and I will hug her and tell her that all I thought about was her. And this summer I will visit my grandmother, for I don't know what is to come next. But who does, right?

Last thing...I hope.
My best friend Bertha and I got into an argument a while back, almost a month. We didn't talk for a while which felt like hell. Once you get so used to someone, its hard when they're not there anymore. I felt...empty.
Time passed and we finally talked it over, but the funny thing is that we didn't start hanging out like before. We stayed the way we were, and just said hi to eachother whenever we saw eachother. It felt so weird, yet normal. I'd gotten used to the idea of just being on my own, until today. We were in English class, and todays topic was DEATH. Recently Bertha had lost her younger cousin, six years of age. He drowned, and she's still mourning. I knew that when she got up to go to the bathroom, I had to follow her. I walked with her outside into the hallway, and hugged her so tight I never wanted to let go of her. And I told her, one of the very people I have said this to, I said, "Everything's going to be okay..." And at that moment I wasn't sure of what I was saying. How could I promise her everything was going to be okay if I wasn't so sure about it? The answer to that question is still a mystery, but I could say that whenever I'm with her, I'll try to make things okay.

I hadn't held Bertha like that in a very long time...and at that moment I realized how much I truly missed her...But I also realized how much things have changed. I love this girl so much, and she knows that. I think the whole world knows that because I talk about her so much. I just want her to know that I'll always be here. No matter where I am, or what time it is,... I'm here.

I could use this blog to tell the whole world about my horrible life. About all the shit I've been through, until this very day. But what would that say about me? That I "want" attention... That I'm Emo. That I have no life but to mourn about my past. Hell No. I don't need anyones pity, because I am happy with who I am. I am me. And I am SO grateful for everything that has happened in my life. Although I sometimes wish I could go back in time and change a few things, I think that I would not be the same person I am today. I've come so far, and I'm not stopping now.


"Although I should be pissed off for what happened to me, It's hard when there is so much Beauty in the world."
-American Beauty